These few days have been truly tormenting as I try to sort my thoughts. I remembered how it started, what it turned into and how it ultimately came to a hiatus. It’s like a journey, but I remained stagnant after a while.

 I recall the last conversation we had was a minor argument about her ex-boyfriend. I felt very indignant because I was the one to provide a shelter for her emotions while her ex-boyfriend kept pouring pain and lies on her. At the end of the day, she stood up for him.

I felt like a complete idiot at that time. I felt as if I’ve sunk to the deepest depth.

A sense of betrayal? I don’t know, my mind was in a whirl at that time.

What would you do if you were in my shoes? Everyone said to hold on and I’ll see the silver lining some day. It’s easier said than done. I understand fully that even if I were to give her everything I can, she wouldn’t stay. At least she’s not obliged to. Words versus feelings. I know how it should be, but I felt otherwise.

And when I stopped contacting her, she didn’t even try to find out. I guess that sets everything in stone, 

I’m easily replaceable to her. I don’t care that it’s her character not to initiate a conversation first because I think this goes way beyond that. This isn’t a simple issue of who initiates the conversation, but who actually cares.

After that time, I never did try to reflect on what happened. It was a chapter of my life that I left it hanging there. I ignored everything and tried to move on. I didn’t talk about it to anyone.

 I then realized all along I’ve been looking for someone to fit into her mould.

As I’ve reached this paragraph, a sense of resentment grew in me. I’m probably very resentful against the way things turn out. After so long, after so much that’s been said or done, it had to come to this. Before I started writing this, I thought at the end of it I’d realize she still mean something to me. But this feeling of resentment is overwhelming.

Ultimately I realized that there wasn’t a proper closure. There wasn’t a “final showdown”. There wasn’t a full stop.

I don’t know what I’m trying to tell you here. I’m just writing down whatever that comes to my mind.